Category Archives: Divorce

Re-entering the work world after being stay-at-home mom for 7 years

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Whoa, it’s been a crazy overwhelming couple of weeks, and I’ve struggled to find a moment to breathe let alone write. There has been so much change, so many emotions and stress. Every new season in life comes with both ups and downs, right?

A new season in life

I’ve known the day of me returning to work was around the corner, but it’s been a huge struggle to get all of the pieces needed to make that happen come together. If you’ve been following my story, you will know that when I left my abusive marriage last April, my ex who had been controlling me financially cut me off completely and I’ve been left without a bank account, a car and starting completely over with my 2 boys. It’s been almost 8 months without any child support with not much change in hope legally (I’ll save that for another post). Without money saved for childcare for my youngest and a car, it’s been very overwhelming trying to figure out a new career after staying home for so long.

An opportunity came up a couple weeks ago for a 12-week interim second grade teaching position and with good pay and school hours, I knew I had to at least apply for the job. I taught for 6 years in Florida, but that was 11 years ago, before kids, so the thought of returning to the classroom came with many mixed emotions. I liked teaching at a time, but I always thought when I was teaching that it would be a struggle to give my all, all day long to other people’s kids and then come home and still have enough patience leftover to be fully present for my own. Since making the big move and thinking about what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, I’ve thought about teaching a lot. As a single mom I want to be with my boys as much as possible. The hours of teaching would be ideal, to be home after school, to be off when my son is on vacation. However, with a single income and starting from scratch, the pay is not so ideal. It saddens me how underpaid our teachers here are. I had looked into being a TA a few months ago and you could make more money working at Starbucks then being a teacher’s assistance. I was running my thoughts by a dear friend, and I mentioned that I felt that maybe a 12-week teaching position would allow me time to figure out if teaching is where my heart is at. She told me that she thought that was amazing mindset to have with taking the job. Well, I interviewed on a Thursday and was offered the job on the spot and started teaching the following Tuesday and it’s been a whirlwind ever since.

Sadness of dropping my youngest off at daycare for the first time

I really struggled with the thought of leaving my newly 2-year-old, like really struggled. I don’t know why this is so hard for me. So many moms go back to work almost 2 years earlier then I am. But everyone’s journey is so different, everyone’s journey through motherhood is their own. I have a newfound respect for all those working moms out there, as the new juggle I’ve been challenged with has been very overwhelming. I always imagined that I would be with my boys until they were in school. I truly love being a stay-at-home mom and I feel like I’m good at it. Growing up, I never felt like I was truly great at something. I did great in school, but I had to work my butt off. I was an athlete, but never a star, and I just never found like I found my niche in life, until I became a mom. Being a mom has brought me so much sense of self-worth and as challenging as it is, I just love raising my boys. I feel like they are becoming pretty amazing humans and I’d like to think I have something to do with that. I had so much one on one time with my oldest before my youngest was born. And although in a perfect world I would have had them much closer together in age, I found happiness that now that my oldest was in school that I was also going to get that one-on-one time with my youngest. I didn’t think I would be going back to work so soon, and it’s been hard to process the emotions of feeling like I’m going to miss out on so much. I’m used to being there for all of it, the good and the bad. When I dropped him off on day one, he went right in happy to play with all the new toys and didn’t even notice that I left. I sat in my car, and I cried. I knew he would be ok; I knew I would be so busy with my 22 second graders to dwell too much, but it was such a huge first for the both of us. I’m incredibly thankful that a girl I grew up withs mom lives a few houses down and has had her own at home daycare since we were kids. I found comfort in dropping him off somewhere I had spent a lot of time at as a kid. I’m also incredibly thankful that my mom who we live with is watching him 3 days of the week, so it’s made this transition a lot easier to ease into. Other than being sick after one day of day care and refusing to nap there, he’s having a wonderful time making new friends and that makes the sting of not being with him hurt a little less.

Back in the classroom after 11 years

I was so nervous coming into a classroom this far into the year, not having any idea of the curriculum, and not teaching in oh so many years. My first day I got to the school, grabbed my badge and was immediately told that I had an hour-long IEP meeting for one of my students. Surprise! Nothing like a curve ball on the first day. The first day was A LOT and I was feeling by the end of day one that maybe I wasn’t cut out for this. I missed my boys. I was exhausted. I got up at 5 and still didn’t seem to have enough time to get all that I needed to do. I didn’t feel like I accomplished anything, and I was feeling pretty down. But I reminded myself to allow myself some grace. This is new, this is so much change, it’s day one. I reminded myself to be patient and that tomorrow would be better. Each day would be a little better and become a little easier…and it did. By day three my teaching days started to come back. I navigated away from the busy work sub plans and decided to actually teach a lesson and I quickly was reminded that I can do this. I was a good teacher once upon a time, I’m good with kids, my boys will be ok, and we can do this. I’m still overwhelmed and I’m now sick with a nasty head cold after only a week and a half of school, but I’m confident that I can do this.

One step closer to independence

When I was offered the job, I knew other than childcare there was still a difficult piece of the puzzle to figure out. I had to turn in my leased vehicle when we left because he stopped paying my bills, so my mom and I have been sharing a car. Worked out fine for a while, but it’s been such a struggle at times and with accepting this job and knowing she would be watching my youngest, we both knew getting me a car was a necessity. I’ve been fighting legally to get access to some of the proceeds of our home that is tied up in a trust fund for a car with little luck so far. When I got this job, I knew that after 12 weeks I would have enough money for a used car, so my mom offered to loan me the money upfront. When I drove off the lot in my new car, I felt like I had taken one more step away from my ex’s grasp. One of my best friends texted me and said, “No one can take this from you. You don’t have to worry about him holding this over you, threatening to stop paying the payment. This is yours and he can’t take it from you.” And she was right. He’s taken so much from me, and my boys and he could not take this. This was mine and I’m doing it all without him. And that brought me so much joy. It’s one step closer to my independence. I’m reminding myself every day that as much as he tried to make me feel as though I needed him, in his words exactly, “you could never survive the real world without me”, I don’t need him. Not only do I not need him, but we are so much happier without him in our lives. I’m regaining my independence and my inner strength little by little each and every day.

A very successful first camping trip with my son

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Since we’ve moved, I’ve really wanted to get my oldest son involved in as many different things as possible to allow him opportunities to make new friends and fall in love with his new home. One thing my brothers did here when we were kids was Cub Scouts, and when my mom suggested it, I immediately knew I had to sign him up. Their mission is to teach boys how to be good humans, kind, helpful, encouraging, and respectful. I had no idea what I was getting into, and little did I know that the first outing of the year was an overnight camping trip.

overnight camping with my son

Oh crap, did you say camping? Our very first overnight Cub Scouts adventure

Okay, so when I found out the first big outing after joining Cup Scouts was an overnight camping trip, I was feeling pretty out of my comfort zone and several things crossed my mind.

First, I knew my son would have the time of his life. This was totally his kind of thing. Some of the activities they mentioned included BB guns, archery, chopping wood etc. and my son lives to be exploring the outdoors. I knew this was something he needed to do.

Secondly, I’ve never camped other than on a boat. My family growing up was not a “camping” family. My dad was adventurous, loved the outdoors, and we took many vacations to the mountains to ski, hike and bike, but when it came to sleeping, my parents enjoyed the simple pleasures of a warm room, bed and bathroom. This was way out of my comfort zone, especially seeing it was in the middle of October in New England.

Third, this was the kind of thing I really wish I had a supportive husband and involved father of my children for. I anticipated being the only mom without a dad there and that made my heart slump a bit. My ex loved to camp, but even if he was still a part of our lives, he would never go with a group. He was anti-social and avoided all kid/parent activities and it always bothered me so much. I always thought if he had more “good dad friends” in his life he would have found so much more joy in life and appreciated having a family and being a dad.

Fourthly, this is the kind of thing my ex would always tell me I couldn’t do. On more than one occasion he mentioned wanting to take my son camping, but did not want me to go, because in his exact words, “You wouldn’t survive a night of camping Ashleigh. You’re not meant to camp, and I have no desire to go camping with you.” THIS: This always made me so angry. Who is someone else to tell someone what they’re capable of in life, what they can and can’t handle. Your partner is supposed to be your cheerleader, your teammate, and you’re telling me I can’t survive a night in the woods?! I always found this rather funny seeing that in comparison to most of my girlfriends, I am extremely low maintenance. I don’t wear makeup on a daily basis, I don’t have a lot of fancy accessories. Do I prefer a bathroom? Yes, but I’m one tough cookie and I can do anything I set my mind to. It was when I thought of all this, when I realized I had to do this with my son. I didn’t need a man to help me set up my tent, I could do this. I could do all the things with my boys, not just the ones that I was more comfortable with.

Lastly, my son and I needed this one-on-one time so badly. We went through all the hell my ex caused us together, it’s been a lot to overcome, and we still have a way to go. He’s had to go through so much change alongside of me and it’s been so hard with my youngest to find time to bond just the two of us.

First time camper: What oh what do I bring and pack?

Once I signed our names up on the signup sheet, I knew we were committed. I had a little over a week to find all the things we needed for an overnight camping trip. Camping gear is not cheap and on a limited budget I really didn’t want to purchase things I wasn’t knowledgeable on, especially not knowing if this would be something I would want to do again. Thankfully, I reached out to one of my brothers to see if he had any gear, he could set up us with and he hooked us up with a tent, and two sleeping bags. It was recommended by the pack to bring a mattress pad for underneath the sleeping bags since the ground would be wet and hard, flash flights, chairs, and some reusable plates.

Our very confusing at first 2-person tent

So, my brother gave us the tent in its bag but didn’t have time to show me how to set this up. We had a week of rain leading up to our trip, so I wasn’t able to bring it out to the back yard to try and set up. TIP: Set the tent up ahead of time. I was getting so anxious not having any clue what was inside that tent bag so the day before I pulled it out inside the house. I took one look at all the parts, and I wanted to quit right then and there. Stress overwhelmed me and I pictured myself on the campsite, with all these dads with their sons knowing what they were doing, and fear started to take over. There weren’t any directions, and I had no clue where to begin. Thankfully my brother was able to find/google a manual (for one very similar) and text it to me and my loving mom who also took one look at it and said oh crap, was willing to help me out. Sometimes it takes having just someone’s there as another eye to figure something out. It was like a puzzle, and it took us a while to figure out where all the clips went, but eventually we figured it out! And when I arrived at the campsite, I looked at my pictures and set this bad boy up in 10 minutes. One of the dads of a mom I’m friends with was looking out for me and came over to ask if I was doing ok, and I was so proud to look at my tent and say, “Yah I think I’ve got this.”

True camping, non-battery/electric Mattress Pad

When someone recommended bringing one, I immediately went to Amazon, looked for a double one with good reviews that would come in a day or two and clicked purchase. It wasn’t until I took it out of its bag that I realized this was a non-pump blow up mattress pad. Once again, no directions and I sat there for several minutes thinking, what? How the heck to I get air in this thing without busting along. Don’t you just love YouTube? The bag that this thing came in is used at the pump. You open it, shake it to get air in it, seal the bag and then pump the air from the bag into the pad. It took about 10 minutes to pump, and I must say, I was pretty amazed by it. It was super comfortable under the sleeping bags, and I really think without this we would have been cold, damp and uncomfortable. You can find it here at Amazon.

Fun hanging tent lights

My mom had a flashlight and a small lantern, but I wanted something else for the tent. I found these LED lights on Amazon, and we loved them. They came in a set, of 4 different colors and had little clips to hang on the hooks inside a tent or, as my son did, clipped them to his shirt and used it as his flashlight. It had three different light modes. Highly recommend these, linked here!

Gear I wish I had brought and plan to bring next time we go camping

All and all, there wasn’t too many must have items that we didn’t bring on our first camping adventure. If we had been going for more than one night, it would have required bringing more things. The pack provided dinner and breakfast so that was huge. I did wish I had some better camping shoes, and some camping cups and plates for things like hot cocoa etc.

A young boy’s dream place: Archery, wood chopping, fire building, bouldering, BB guns and more!

We camped at the New England Base Camp and this place was amazing for teaching kids’ outdoor survival. They had 4 hours to explore all the activities they had to offer; BB gun shooting, archery, bouldering, propelling, learning how to make a fire, chopping and sawing wood, rope climbing, and building forts with logs. My son had a BLAST. They were wonderful about teaching them proper safety with all the activities and I believe it definitely takes a special person to work at a place like these. Little kids with weapons, fire and axes?

I was amazed at how much not only the kids learned but grownups too. I was able to saw a fun piece of a fallen tree off that I plan to turn into some sort of memorable. This may seem like something so insignificant. But when my son started to saw this piece of wood and was having difficulty, I so badly wanted to finish this. It was like another urge of independence came over me. Sawing this wet piece of wood with an old saw became something I just had to do. So, I stood there for 15 minutes, and I sawed away, determined to reclaim my independence in life and I’m so proud of this little piece of wood. I plan to write something special on it and turn it into a Christmas ornament for Brayden.

I learned that for shooting I’m right eye dominate, and I now know how to build a fire in the woods without any matches. My favorite part of all was just seeing all these boys run around in the woods, being little boys, exploring and making new friends. They were all in their element, with sticks, fires, flashlight tag, rock climbing and just running around being who they were meant to be. I had my first walking taco for dinner (surprisingly super tasty), made some wonderful new friends, and learned that I can without a doubt take my boys on a solo camping trip. I’m actually surprised to say that I’m looking forward to doing it again!

My son had the time of his life, made some wonderful new friends, and earned his Bobcat badge, the very first badge of his cub scout journey :-). Looking forward to all the cub scout adventures ahead. I will finally admit that I’m 100% exhausted. The prep, the loading, the dragging all the stuff…I was hoping for more help from my oldest, but he was too excited to run around with all his newfound friends to do too much, and how could I not understand that. So tonight, I’m enjoying the first world comforts of a warm house, a glass of wine, and looking forward to a soft bed to sleep in.

Figuring out a career after being a stay-at-home mom for many years

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As many of you know, I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for almost 8 years and have found myself in a position now at 39 needing to start completely over and build a new life for me and my two boys. The thought of going back to work after all this time, on top of everything else I have been dealing with, has been completely overwhelming. If I’m being completely honest, it’s terrifying and something I really don’t want to be forced to do. Not because I don’t want to work, I want more than anything to bring a steady income in and provide for my boys. For years I’ve been dependent on someone else financially that has treated me like a child. I can’t wait to be financially free from his grasp. But I LOVE being home with my babies. Raising my sons is extremely challenging, but I love being their person all day long. I love seeing them grow and help mold them into tiny, amazing humans. I fear all those moments I will be missing. I know so many moms are working moms, and I know that day will soon be mine, but change is scary. New beginnings, especially when it’s not what you had ever envisioned are not without a lot of doubt, fear, and anxiety. 

Give yourself grace

I turned down an opportunity this week for a short-term job, and I was really beating myself up about my decision. When this opportunity was presented to me and after not only interviewing for the first time in 10 years but also being offered the job, it seemed like a no brainer to say yes. I need the income desperately. The anxiety I have on a daily basis of starting over with no funds causes me great stress. So of course, I had to say yes to the first job opportunity I was offered. It’s called being a responsible parent, right? The day I accepted the job we all came down with covid and it hit us hard. First my 7-year-old was the sickest I’ve ever seen him and then on top of feeling like crap myself, my 22-month-old became very ill, so ill that I began to think something was seriously wrong with him. He became violent and distraught in pain and the thought of leaving him in a few days became extremely worrisome. I began having second doubts. 

It wasn’t until a highschool friend I’ve reconnected with had a heart to heart with me that I realized that I had to turn it down. She told me, “Now is your time to be selfish. You spent way too long making others happy. You are in charge of your life and all the paths have different pros and cons. It’s your time to thrive and show your boys what life is all about.” You see, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life chasing someone else’s dreams. I’ve spent the last 5 years making someone else, on top of the selflessness that comes with being a mom, my priority. When I graduated college, I was madly in love. I followed who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with across the country, because it was his dream, and I was wrapped up in the idea of finally finding what I thought was my forever person. The next 16 years became about him, his career, his timeline for our life, and eventually all the dreams I once had aside from being a mom slowly vanished. Which was ok, because being a Mom was my biggest dream of all, and bringing my two babies into the world was a very scary and difficult experience. Being with them made everything else feel right. With them was where I needed to be. But when he began to manipulate me and abuse me, I began to be left with the scary thought of what the hell will I do if I have to leave him. I suddenly began to question all the possible dreams I would have followed had I not met him so many years ago. 

I’m a firm believer that you can’t go back and question all the “what ifs” in life. Am I where I want to be in life right now? No, not one bit even close. Am I angry at all the time I wasted trying to help him get help? Yes. But do I entirely regret the last 18 years of my life? No. I got the two most amazing little boys out of that life. My boys are my whole heart and I’ve quickly realized that life gave me two little boys to challenge me with raising them into kindhearted men, men that know how to treat women right. I’ve grown so much over the past 18 years, the challenges I’ve overcome have made me into an incredibly strong mom. If I had chosen differently all those years ago, I wouldn’t be a mom to the most amazing boys I could have ever dreamed of. 

But after listening to my friend, I have been quickly reminded that now is my time to figure out what I want to do with my life. I don’t need to feel pressured by life into choosing a job that I know won’t bring me joy.  I’m smart, driven, determined, passionate, and I will have other opportunities. Opportunities that will bring me inspiration, opportunities that will make me want to work and will show my boys that mommy doesn’t settle. I’m allowed to give myself more time to figure it out, and I will figure it out in time. So, for now, I’m holding my youngest extra tight these days, and reminding myself that right now, cuddling him close, this is where I’m meant to be. 

hold your babies tight

The Legal Headaches of Divorce

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When you’re thinking about getting a divorce, you think about the emotional turmoil it’s going to cause you, and the lifestyle changes for you and your kids, but you don’t realize the amount of time and stress you will spend on legal documents. Not to mention the crazy amount of money every text, email, phone call, and documents ends up costing you.

I just finished once again working through another deadline. I feel like I’m constantly buried in paperwork, scrambling to find the time with two little kids to fill out yet another document.  I swear, going through a divorce, even with having a lawyer is like having a full time job. Granted, my situation is a lot more complicated than some, but it’s so unbelievably stressful going through all this. Not to mention all the time on Google you spend trying to understand all legal verbiage. I think by the time I’m done, I will have learned enough to be a paralegal, lol. 

I feel incredibly blessed to have an amazing brother and mother that are helping me with my legal fees. There is no way I could have gotten a lawyer without their help. My ex has left me and my boys with nothing. My heart breaks for all the women out there that are living in similar shoes, that stayed far too long in a horrible situation due to financial reasons. 

It’s so scary and difficult to leave when you’ve been financially abused and a stay at home mom for so long. There should be more financial resources available for women out there needing legal representation. Perhaps there is, and I’m just not aware. I’ve connected with so many others walking similar paths to mine over the past couple years and it maddens me how hard society has made it for women and moms feeling scared and trapped to start over. 

Change needs to happen. These issues need to be talked about more. Victims of abuse need to have more avenues of help. 

For all you women out there giong through this with me right now, I feel for you. For all you women out there trying to come up with a plan to get out….I feel for you. You are not alone in this, even though I know it feels that way. 

If you are going through divorce, a victim of abuse, or have lived with someone who suffers from mental illness, I would love to collaborate with you to let your voice be heard. I know it’s scary to share your story, but if you are suffering from any kind of abuse, I guarantee someone else out there needs to hear it. We can make the post anonymous. Too often are we silenced in an abusive relationship. Let me help you state your truth.

Taking off my Wedding Rings 

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It is such a weird feeling to take off something that has been a part of your hand for almost 8 years. And to be honest, it took me weeks after I left to finally take them off. I felt naked without my rings, some days I still do. I still remember the day I finally got engaged, I had been patiently waiting for 8 years for my now ex to put a ring on it. It was a week before Christmas. We always celebrated our Christmas a week early as we traveled to see family the actual week of Christmas. And there in the bottom of my stocking was a little black box. And when I opened it, I thought all my dreams had finally come true.  I remember that moment all so clearly, as well as the day we stood up and said, “I DO.” 

wedding rings

I pulled them out for the first time in 3 months today. They’ve been sitting in a box, in my nightstand drawer, and the tears immediately started pouring out. 

What to do with them… Sell them? I desperately need the money.  Keep them in a box? That makes me feel like I’m not moving on. Turn them into something else? Not sure what I would turn them into. Wear my wedding band on the other hand as a statement ring? I purchased the band myself. He didn’t think I needed one that fancy. RED FLAG. 

For now, I’m putting them back in the box, and reminding myself it’s ok to give my heart some more time. One moment, one day at a time. 

Accepting Divorce

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DIVORCE. The seven-letter word I never thought would become my story. When I was a little girl I dreamed of meeting that forever man, creating a family together, chasing our dreams as a united team.

When you’re growing up you always think of these big life dreams. Having a family, building a home, going through life together. This was always my dream. All I ever thought I wanted in life was to get married, become a mom and have a family.

I can’t tell you the amount of times over the past five years I thought about divorce, finding myself thinking, this can’t be how it’s supposed to be. But accepting that reality, accepting that the man I fell in love with was no longer that same man, was an entire different story. I asked myself hundreds of times… Is it harder to stay? Or is it harder to leave? And still, it took a life alternating night for me and my sons to finally say ENOUGH.

For the past five years I’ve been trying to help someone that clearly doesn’t want help and for the first time in 17 years I’m choosing me. I’m choosing to put my own mental health first. And it’s hard. It was hard to stay, and it’s been hard to leave.

It’s easy to look from the outside in and judge someone’s situation. It’s easy to look at someone’s life when you’re not living in their shoes and ask yourself why they are still there. Everyone’s story is their own. Everyone’s journey to divorce or deciding to stay is their own. If you’re finding yourself asking, should I stay or should I go, know you’re not alone. It’s only your choice to make, your choice to say when enough is enough.

You’re not alone.