Mom of a thumb sucker: My son’s journey to breaking his habit of thumb sucking

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When I was pregnant with my first, I remember the second ultrasound very clearly, as there he was within my womb sucking that barely formed thumb. Well out he came, found his thumb pretty quickly and seven years later we were faced with a habit that has been hard to break.

Yay, he found his thumb! Geez this is going to be a tough habit to break!

When he was a baby, he had absolutely no interest in a pacifier, neither of my boys did and my youngest is also going 2 years strong with his beloved thumb. I’ll be honest, so many fellow mom friends used to be so worried about their kids finding their thumbs, but I on the other hand almost wanted them to find it. I wasn’t thinking 4, 5, 6 or 7 years out. I was thinking about one thing and one thing only, SLEEP. I wanted these boys to sleep through the night and them learning how to self soothe early on, well it was a life savior. No going in in the middle of the night and popping that paci back in. Once they found their thumbs they became the most amazing sleepers at night, even more so with my oldest. He was the happiest baby ever, really, he never cried, and he was amazing at self-soothing when he was little. And a little baby sucking on their thumb in my opinion is so much cuter than a pacifier. Fast forward several years later and it becomes not so cute, not something that you can just throw in the trash and something that seems near impossible to break the habit of.

Letting your kids lead the way

I have always been a firm believer, that my son would quit when he was ready. I myself sucked my finger well into elementary school and I remember making the decision one day that I was ready and once I set my mind to it that was it. My ex used to get so mad at my son, threaten him with time outs if he didn’t take his thumb out. I used to get so angry at him. He was 3 or 4 and he was not emotionally ready, nor capable of figuring out how to do that on his own. For the past year and a half, I along with the dentist have given him gentle encouragement about trying to stop the habit. I’ve had many talks with him about it, asking him if its something he wants to stop doing but just can’t, or if he still wants to do it. I’ve told him for quite some time that I’m here to help him when he’s ready. That ultimately, he has to be the one to decide its time, but when he does if he decides he wants some help with it, I’m here for him.

I was shocked when out of the blue last weekend he came up to me and said mom, “I want to stop sucking my thumb, can you help me?” I told him that there were a couple of different aids out there to help him but that I wouldn’t invest in one unless he was actually willing to use it. I think by putting it in his hands, letting him know this was his decision to make, made all the difference. This wasn’t something I was forcing him to do, this was his journey to make, and he knew I loved him and was here to help him in any way he needed. He didn’t have the pressure on him of mommy being disappointed or angry with him. I reminded him that he can do anything he sets his mind to and if he’s deciding now is the time to quit, I have no doubt that he can do it and I believe in him. I showed him two options I found on Amazon. One was like nail polish and makes your thumb taste horrible, and the other was a contraption that goes over your thumb making it impossible to put in your mouth. He asked me to purchase the yucky nail polish. For the next two days he kept asking me when it was going to arrive.

Thumb sucking solution

Sunday morning, a little package arrived. It just happened to be the day before Halloween and a day we had two Halloween festivities to go to. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to put it on and he said as long as it was invisible that yes, he wanted to do it. Well, I painted a coat on his thumb nail, and we hopped into the car to our first festivity. The car and the couch are always the places he tends to suck his thumb. We hadn’t even made it out of the driveway when he was gagging and started crying. It hadn’t even been 10 minutes and his little brain forced by habit had put his thumb in his mouth. This stuff is gross, I felt so bad for him. I asked him if he wanted me to take it off and he said no, just begged me to go get him some seltzer to take the taste away. The rest of the day he didn’t once go to suck his thumb. It wasn’t until the middle of the night when we had another incident. He woke up crying and gagging and completely upset. In his sleep he had put his thumb in his mouth. My heart hurt for him and yet was so proud of my baby doing such big boy things.

It took two days for the nail polish to wash off completely in the tub and when I asked him if he wanted me to reapply it, he said, “Nope, I think I have this. My brain doesn’t need it anymore.” I can’t believe it, but it’s been 5 days without him sucking his thumb. I keep catching myself checking on him when he’s watching TV or looking back at him in the car. I keep telling him how proud of him I am and that most of all he should be so proud of himself.

So, if you’re a fellow mom to a thumb sucker like me and your little one is ready to take the big step, I highly recommend this stuff! Mavala nail polish treatment

Re-entering the work world after being stay-at-home mom for 7 years

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Whoa, it’s been a crazy overwhelming couple of weeks, and I’ve struggled to find a moment to breathe let alone write. There has been so much change, so many emotions and stress. Every new season in life comes with both ups and downs, right?

A new season in life

I’ve known the day of me returning to work was around the corner, but it’s been a huge struggle to get all of the pieces needed to make that happen come together. If you’ve been following my story, you will know that when I left my abusive marriage last April, my ex who had been controlling me financially cut me off completely and I’ve been left without a bank account, a car and starting completely over with my 2 boys. It’s been almost 8 months without any child support with not much change in hope legally (I’ll save that for another post). Without money saved for childcare for my youngest and a car, it’s been very overwhelming trying to figure out a new career after staying home for so long.

An opportunity came up a couple weeks ago for a 12-week interim second grade teaching position and with good pay and school hours, I knew I had to at least apply for the job. I taught for 6 years in Florida, but that was 11 years ago, before kids, so the thought of returning to the classroom came with many mixed emotions. I liked teaching at a time, but I always thought when I was teaching that it would be a struggle to give my all, all day long to other people’s kids and then come home and still have enough patience leftover to be fully present for my own. Since making the big move and thinking about what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, I’ve thought about teaching a lot. As a single mom I want to be with my boys as much as possible. The hours of teaching would be ideal, to be home after school, to be off when my son is on vacation. However, with a single income and starting from scratch, the pay is not so ideal. It saddens me how underpaid our teachers here are. I had looked into being a TA a few months ago and you could make more money working at Starbucks then being a teacher’s assistance. I was running my thoughts by a dear friend, and I mentioned that I felt that maybe a 12-week teaching position would allow me time to figure out if teaching is where my heart is at. She told me that she thought that was amazing mindset to have with taking the job. Well, I interviewed on a Thursday and was offered the job on the spot and started teaching the following Tuesday and it’s been a whirlwind ever since.

Sadness of dropping my youngest off at daycare for the first time

I really struggled with the thought of leaving my newly 2-year-old, like really struggled. I don’t know why this is so hard for me. So many moms go back to work almost 2 years earlier then I am. But everyone’s journey is so different, everyone’s journey through motherhood is their own. I have a newfound respect for all those working moms out there, as the new juggle I’ve been challenged with has been very overwhelming. I always imagined that I would be with my boys until they were in school. I truly love being a stay-at-home mom and I feel like I’m good at it. Growing up, I never felt like I was truly great at something. I did great in school, but I had to work my butt off. I was an athlete, but never a star, and I just never found like I found my niche in life, until I became a mom. Being a mom has brought me so much sense of self-worth and as challenging as it is, I just love raising my boys. I feel like they are becoming pretty amazing humans and I’d like to think I have something to do with that. I had so much one on one time with my oldest before my youngest was born. And although in a perfect world I would have had them much closer together in age, I found happiness that now that my oldest was in school that I was also going to get that one-on-one time with my youngest. I didn’t think I would be going back to work so soon, and it’s been hard to process the emotions of feeling like I’m going to miss out on so much. I’m used to being there for all of it, the good and the bad. When I dropped him off on day one, he went right in happy to play with all the new toys and didn’t even notice that I left. I sat in my car, and I cried. I knew he would be ok; I knew I would be so busy with my 22 second graders to dwell too much, but it was such a huge first for the both of us. I’m incredibly thankful that a girl I grew up withs mom lives a few houses down and has had her own at home daycare since we were kids. I found comfort in dropping him off somewhere I had spent a lot of time at as a kid. I’m also incredibly thankful that my mom who we live with is watching him 3 days of the week, so it’s made this transition a lot easier to ease into. Other than being sick after one day of day care and refusing to nap there, he’s having a wonderful time making new friends and that makes the sting of not being with him hurt a little less.

Back in the classroom after 11 years

I was so nervous coming into a classroom this far into the year, not having any idea of the curriculum, and not teaching in oh so many years. My first day I got to the school, grabbed my badge and was immediately told that I had an hour-long IEP meeting for one of my students. Surprise! Nothing like a curve ball on the first day. The first day was A LOT and I was feeling by the end of day one that maybe I wasn’t cut out for this. I missed my boys. I was exhausted. I got up at 5 and still didn’t seem to have enough time to get all that I needed to do. I didn’t feel like I accomplished anything, and I was feeling pretty down. But I reminded myself to allow myself some grace. This is new, this is so much change, it’s day one. I reminded myself to be patient and that tomorrow would be better. Each day would be a little better and become a little easier…and it did. By day three my teaching days started to come back. I navigated away from the busy work sub plans and decided to actually teach a lesson and I quickly was reminded that I can do this. I was a good teacher once upon a time, I’m good with kids, my boys will be ok, and we can do this. I’m still overwhelmed and I’m now sick with a nasty head cold after only a week and a half of school, but I’m confident that I can do this.

One step closer to independence

When I was offered the job, I knew other than childcare there was still a difficult piece of the puzzle to figure out. I had to turn in my leased vehicle when we left because he stopped paying my bills, so my mom and I have been sharing a car. Worked out fine for a while, but it’s been such a struggle at times and with accepting this job and knowing she would be watching my youngest, we both knew getting me a car was a necessity. I’ve been fighting legally to get access to some of the proceeds of our home that is tied up in a trust fund for a car with little luck so far. When I got this job, I knew that after 12 weeks I would have enough money for a used car, so my mom offered to loan me the money upfront. When I drove off the lot in my new car, I felt like I had taken one more step away from my ex’s grasp. One of my best friends texted me and said, “No one can take this from you. You don’t have to worry about him holding this over you, threatening to stop paying the payment. This is yours and he can’t take it from you.” And she was right. He’s taken so much from me, and my boys and he could not take this. This was mine and I’m doing it all without him. And that brought me so much joy. It’s one step closer to my independence. I’m reminding myself every day that as much as he tried to make me feel as though I needed him, in his words exactly, “you could never survive the real world without me”, I don’t need him. Not only do I not need him, but we are so much happier without him in our lives. I’m regaining my independence and my inner strength little by little each and every day.

A very successful first camping trip with my son

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Since we’ve moved, I’ve really wanted to get my oldest son involved in as many different things as possible to allow him opportunities to make new friends and fall in love with his new home. One thing my brothers did here when we were kids was Cub Scouts, and when my mom suggested it, I immediately knew I had to sign him up. Their mission is to teach boys how to be good humans, kind, helpful, encouraging, and respectful. I had no idea what I was getting into, and little did I know that the first outing of the year was an overnight camping trip.

overnight camping with my son

Oh crap, did you say camping? Our very first overnight Cub Scouts adventure

Okay, so when I found out the first big outing after joining Cup Scouts was an overnight camping trip, I was feeling pretty out of my comfort zone and several things crossed my mind.

First, I knew my son would have the time of his life. This was totally his kind of thing. Some of the activities they mentioned included BB guns, archery, chopping wood etc. and my son lives to be exploring the outdoors. I knew this was something he needed to do.

Secondly, I’ve never camped other than on a boat. My family growing up was not a “camping” family. My dad was adventurous, loved the outdoors, and we took many vacations to the mountains to ski, hike and bike, but when it came to sleeping, my parents enjoyed the simple pleasures of a warm room, bed and bathroom. This was way out of my comfort zone, especially seeing it was in the middle of October in New England.

Third, this was the kind of thing I really wish I had a supportive husband and involved father of my children for. I anticipated being the only mom without a dad there and that made my heart slump a bit. My ex loved to camp, but even if he was still a part of our lives, he would never go with a group. He was anti-social and avoided all kid/parent activities and it always bothered me so much. I always thought if he had more “good dad friends” in his life he would have found so much more joy in life and appreciated having a family and being a dad.

Fourthly, this is the kind of thing my ex would always tell me I couldn’t do. On more than one occasion he mentioned wanting to take my son camping, but did not want me to go, because in his exact words, “You wouldn’t survive a night of camping Ashleigh. You’re not meant to camp, and I have no desire to go camping with you.” THIS: This always made me so angry. Who is someone else to tell someone what they’re capable of in life, what they can and can’t handle. Your partner is supposed to be your cheerleader, your teammate, and you’re telling me I can’t survive a night in the woods?! I always found this rather funny seeing that in comparison to most of my girlfriends, I am extremely low maintenance. I don’t wear makeup on a daily basis, I don’t have a lot of fancy accessories. Do I prefer a bathroom? Yes, but I’m one tough cookie and I can do anything I set my mind to. It was when I thought of all this, when I realized I had to do this with my son. I didn’t need a man to help me set up my tent, I could do this. I could do all the things with my boys, not just the ones that I was more comfortable with.

Lastly, my son and I needed this one-on-one time so badly. We went through all the hell my ex caused us together, it’s been a lot to overcome, and we still have a way to go. He’s had to go through so much change alongside of me and it’s been so hard with my youngest to find time to bond just the two of us.

First time camper: What oh what do I bring and pack?

Once I signed our names up on the signup sheet, I knew we were committed. I had a little over a week to find all the things we needed for an overnight camping trip. Camping gear is not cheap and on a limited budget I really didn’t want to purchase things I wasn’t knowledgeable on, especially not knowing if this would be something I would want to do again. Thankfully, I reached out to one of my brothers to see if he had any gear, he could set up us with and he hooked us up with a tent, and two sleeping bags. It was recommended by the pack to bring a mattress pad for underneath the sleeping bags since the ground would be wet and hard, flash flights, chairs, and some reusable plates.

Our very confusing at first 2-person tent

So, my brother gave us the tent in its bag but didn’t have time to show me how to set this up. We had a week of rain leading up to our trip, so I wasn’t able to bring it out to the back yard to try and set up. TIP: Set the tent up ahead of time. I was getting so anxious not having any clue what was inside that tent bag so the day before I pulled it out inside the house. I took one look at all the parts, and I wanted to quit right then and there. Stress overwhelmed me and I pictured myself on the campsite, with all these dads with their sons knowing what they were doing, and fear started to take over. There weren’t any directions, and I had no clue where to begin. Thankfully my brother was able to find/google a manual (for one very similar) and text it to me and my loving mom who also took one look at it and said oh crap, was willing to help me out. Sometimes it takes having just someone’s there as another eye to figure something out. It was like a puzzle, and it took us a while to figure out where all the clips went, but eventually we figured it out! And when I arrived at the campsite, I looked at my pictures and set this bad boy up in 10 minutes. One of the dads of a mom I’m friends with was looking out for me and came over to ask if I was doing ok, and I was so proud to look at my tent and say, “Yah I think I’ve got this.”

True camping, non-battery/electric Mattress Pad

When someone recommended bringing one, I immediately went to Amazon, looked for a double one with good reviews that would come in a day or two and clicked purchase. It wasn’t until I took it out of its bag that I realized this was a non-pump blow up mattress pad. Once again, no directions and I sat there for several minutes thinking, what? How the heck to I get air in this thing without busting along. Don’t you just love YouTube? The bag that this thing came in is used at the pump. You open it, shake it to get air in it, seal the bag and then pump the air from the bag into the pad. It took about 10 minutes to pump, and I must say, I was pretty amazed by it. It was super comfortable under the sleeping bags, and I really think without this we would have been cold, damp and uncomfortable. You can find it here at Amazon.

Fun hanging tent lights

My mom had a flashlight and a small lantern, but I wanted something else for the tent. I found these LED lights on Amazon, and we loved them. They came in a set, of 4 different colors and had little clips to hang on the hooks inside a tent or, as my son did, clipped them to his shirt and used it as his flashlight. It had three different light modes. Highly recommend these, linked here!

Gear I wish I had brought and plan to bring next time we go camping

All and all, there wasn’t too many must have items that we didn’t bring on our first camping adventure. If we had been going for more than one night, it would have required bringing more things. The pack provided dinner and breakfast so that was huge. I did wish I had some better camping shoes, and some camping cups and plates for things like hot cocoa etc.

A young boy’s dream place: Archery, wood chopping, fire building, bouldering, BB guns and more!

We camped at the New England Base Camp and this place was amazing for teaching kids’ outdoor survival. They had 4 hours to explore all the activities they had to offer; BB gun shooting, archery, bouldering, propelling, learning how to make a fire, chopping and sawing wood, rope climbing, and building forts with logs. My son had a BLAST. They were wonderful about teaching them proper safety with all the activities and I believe it definitely takes a special person to work at a place like these. Little kids with weapons, fire and axes?

I was amazed at how much not only the kids learned but grownups too. I was able to saw a fun piece of a fallen tree off that I plan to turn into some sort of memorable. This may seem like something so insignificant. But when my son started to saw this piece of wood and was having difficulty, I so badly wanted to finish this. It was like another urge of independence came over me. Sawing this wet piece of wood with an old saw became something I just had to do. So, I stood there for 15 minutes, and I sawed away, determined to reclaim my independence in life and I’m so proud of this little piece of wood. I plan to write something special on it and turn it into a Christmas ornament for Brayden.

I learned that for shooting I’m right eye dominate, and I now know how to build a fire in the woods without any matches. My favorite part of all was just seeing all these boys run around in the woods, being little boys, exploring and making new friends. They were all in their element, with sticks, fires, flashlight tag, rock climbing and just running around being who they were meant to be. I had my first walking taco for dinner (surprisingly super tasty), made some wonderful new friends, and learned that I can without a doubt take my boys on a solo camping trip. I’m actually surprised to say that I’m looking forward to doing it again!

My son had the time of his life, made some wonderful new friends, and earned his Bobcat badge, the very first badge of his cub scout journey :-). Looking forward to all the cub scout adventures ahead. I will finally admit that I’m 100% exhausted. The prep, the loading, the dragging all the stuff…I was hoping for more help from my oldest, but he was too excited to run around with all his newfound friends to do too much, and how could I not understand that. So tonight, I’m enjoying the first world comforts of a warm house, a glass of wine, and looking forward to a soft bed to sleep in.

Park Days Now Include My New Baby Innovations Convertible Diaper Bag

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If you’re a mom, you know that anytime you go to the park, or any trip with the kiddos you have to pack all the things; snacks, drinks, diapers, wipes, change of clothes in case they get wet etc. It’s hard to find a bag that is both functional, looks decent and easy to carry. My new favorite bag to pack up all the things we need is the new Baby Innovations Convertible Diaper Bag sent to me courtesy of Artic Zone, and available at WalMart.com. My favorite part of this bag is the insulated snack compartment at the bottom!

Baby Innovations by Artic Zone Dual Compartment Convertible Diaper Bag.

Baby Innovations by Artic Zone Dual Compartment Convertible Diaper Bag

The Baby Innovations Unisex Diaper Bag currently comes in only one color, navy blue. I think they thought this would make for a good unisex color. It has a total of 9 pockets, including a large main compartment with an Ultra Safe wipe-clean-floor made with built-in Microban to help protect against bacterial odors and stains. The main compartment has plenty of room for diapers, wipes, small toys, a change of clothes and included changing pad that is also made with an Ultra Safe wipe clean surface. It also has a zippered front pocket with interior pacifier holder. My boys never took to a pacifier but found their thumbs instead, but it’s a great add on for so many parents. I love that it has been built with different carry options. It can be worn as a backpack, carried as a tote, or strapped on to a stroller with its stroller attachment straps.

Time to pack all the snacks

We typically don’t last at the park more then 10 minutes before my youngest is saying, “snack, snack.” It doesn’t matter how much food he’s eaten beforehand, something about eating at the park is so much more fun. I love that this bag comes with a separate insulated bottom compartment. It has a Therma-Flect radiant barrier interior with Microban to keep all contents fresh. It has plenty of room for seltzers, juice boxes, snacks and sandwiches, plenty of room for all the goodies to keep both parents and kiddos happy! My little guy already loves helping himself :-). We are past the bottle stage, but I like that they have also thought to include a second insulated zipper compartment on the side for a bottle. I’m loving taking this bag on all our adventures and anticipate it getting lots of use to come!

Where to Find It

The Baby Innovations diaper bag is available at walmart.com for $34.98 and can also be purchased at select Walmart stores nationwide.

The most picturesque views during this year’s leaf peeping

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These past few weeks I’ve been able to re-experience something that I haven’t had the opportunity to since college, a true New England fall. I’m lucky enough to have family that resides in the breath-taking, charming town of Stowe VT, and was able to visit during peak foliage this past weekend.

peak foliage in Vermont

Peak foliage; like walking through a painting

I was truly in awe these past few days. My amazing brother and sister-in-law and two beautiful nieces live in Stowe VT, and I always love visiting them. We are incredibly close and always have the most amazing time together. This past weekend we went up to celebrate my niece’s birthday, but it also happened to be during peak foliage season. The second we entered NH the leaves became incredibly vibrant. Besides my very unhappy toddler (he hates car rides) it was the most beautiful car ride I’ve had in a long time. It was incredibly hard not to grab my phone and just video the entire ride. I truly felt like I was driving through a painting. It’s odd because I spent the first 21 years of my life in New England, and I went to college in Vermont which is known for having the most incredibly vibrant colors during foliage. But for some reason I didn’t remember it being this breathtaking, this beautiful. I’m not sure if I was too young to really appreciate it, or if it’s just been that long since I’ve been here to really remember how beautiful it was. Being able to take in all these incredible leaves this weekend left me feeling incredibly blessed to live where I am right now.

A Fall walk in the woods

The weather was a little iffy but on Sunday we were fortunate to get a break in the rain to get out and enjoy a beautiful walk in the woods. The drive to our hiking spot was nothing but pure magical. The trees were overhanging like a bridge on the road and were full of vibrant colors. The lighting and colors outside were serene. We had a lovely walk through the woods encountering gnomes, a sugar shack and beautiful open fields with nothing but mountains and vibrant colors in the background. I haven’t been feeling much like myself these days and something about being in the quiet woods with family, completely memorized by all the pretty colors, brought me such tranquility. I wanted to wrap all the pretty trees up in a bubble and take them home with me. It’s so surreal to think that in just a matter of weeks all these vibrant trees will be leafless and preparing for a long New England winter. Being away for all these years and now experiencing the seasons changing has given me a whole new appreciation for what this place has to offer. Do I miss living in Florida? Yes. But each place has its charm and special beauties to enjoy. I’m trying to focus on all the amazing things my new home has to offer me and my boys.

Road to healing: Finding joy in the small moments

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I’ve been feeling in a funk these days, my life feels like it is in such limbo. Nothing is happening on the legal front which is beyond frustrating and trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life outside of being a mom is so overwhelming. I’ve been trying to be intentional about finding something that brings me joy and peace each week.

Date night with my boys

In Florida before life went spiraling out of control, I loved taking my boys on lunch dates, either solo or with my amazing mom friends. On the rare occasion I had someone to watch my youngest, taking my oldest out do dinner just the two of us was always such an amazing time. Since being in MA we haven’t done that once. I’ve been trying not to spend any money other than on necessities and things for my boys. But lately, I’ve been feeling so much like I don’t have much of a life here. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve reconnected with so many people I grew up, have my family close by and have so many people in my corner, cheering me on. But I had a life I built for 18 years in Florida, relationships that I invested in. I miss my friends in Florida. Outside of my ex I just miss my normal every day-to-day life that I had with friends and neighbors back home. So, while my mom was out of town this week (her and I usually eat dinner together) I decided to take the boys on a dinner date after my son’s taekwondo. Now to be completely honest I knew this was going to go one of two ways depending on my almost 2-year-old. We would either have a lovely dinner as a family of 3, or I would be drinking my glass of wine in a rush and asking for my meal to go and running out of there as fast as could be. 😉

I don’t know if the universe sensed my need for a peaceful night with my boys, or if my little guys were as excited for this night out as much as I was, but we had the most peaceful dinner out. I was so proud of both my boys. My toddler actually sat in his highchair, had zero meltdowns, and seemed very focused on his big plate of food. And my oldest ate every last bite of his dinner and had amazing conversation with me about his day. It was in this moment that I was reminded, “I can do this. My crew and I got this. As long as we have each other, we’ll be ok.”

Emotional abuse: No longer under his control

I’m starting to realize how freeing it is to be able to do what I want without constantly wondering if it’s going to make my spouse upset. I feel like I’ve been living my life walking on eggshells the past 5 years, constantly questioning my decisions, asking myself if I do this is it going to create a battle at home. I always valued family meals, sitting down with either my spouse at night, or as a family for dinner was always a priority to me. I always made this clear with my ex and there was a time many years ago where he prioritized that too. But when mental illness and alcohol took over, I found myself either eating alone each night, or cooking a nice family dinner for me and my oldest son. It broke my heart daily as my son would always say, “I want Daddy to eat with us.” I would constantly make excuses for him, as I was very careful always as to not speak badly about his dad. But it was so hard. It made me so angry that he was not valuing this time, that he was MIA doing who knows what, yet would constantly complain that he never saw his kids. Yet there were so many times where I wouldn’t plan a meal and would take the boys out to meet with friends and that would be the one night he decided to come home on time without any communication per usual and I would be made to feel so guilty. Or be told, “It must be so nice to have fun with friends.” I tried so hard to communicate, to let him know our plans, to invite him, to make him feel included, but it never mattered, I was always in the wrong. Emotional abuse is so hard and so tricky to navigate. Just because you don’t have bruises on you, it doesn’t mean it’s not real. I actually think it’s this kind of abuse that’s most tricky to heal from. I’m slowly realizing just how much control he had over me and I’m slowly breaking free and finding peace in the fact that I can choose to do what makes us happy and not worry about how it’s going to affect someone else. It’s such a small thing, but it’s also HUGE. It’s no longer all about him. It’s about what makes ME happy, and my boys happy too.

So, this dinner with my boys, it was a moment of clarity for me, and it was just what the three of us needed. It brought me joy, it brought my boys joy, and I need to make things like this happen more often. Trying to let go of those things I can’t control and let these peaceful moments with my crew carry me through.

Finally found an easy, homemade, healthy granola bar that I love

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I’ve been searching and trying recipes for a couple months now for a healthy crunchy granola bar recipe that both me and the boys enjoy. I spend so much money at the store on a small box of granola bars and it’s very hard to find ones that aren’t loaded with unhealthy sugars and extra additives. I’ve found a few different store options, but they are expensive and last about a day in my house. I’m always bringing bars with us to the park and like to have them for school snacks too. After trying a few different recipes, I finally found one yesterday from Well Plated that was delicious, easy, healthy, and had that crunch I’d been looking for. They were a hit by all in the house and I anticipate making another batch this week. I’ll probably experiment with adding different seeds and nuts the next round and maybe even some dried fruit.

healthy granola bars

Tips

When I first took these out of the oven, I thought they were going to be a bust. The recipe tells you to cut them immediately out of the oven but leave them on the parchment paper until completely cooled. When I first made my cut, they started to crumble a bit and I thought, “Oh man, this is going to end up just being granola.” But after that I let them be. Once cooled off completely they firmed up and stuck together making them easy to pull apart into individual bars. I recommend using honey for all homemade granola bar recipes. I love to use maple syrup and agave as sweeteners in recipes, but honey is much more binding and helps the granola bars stay together.

Ingredients

  • 2 cups old fashioned oats
  • 3/4 cup chopped nuts (I used peanuts, but next time I think I will try almonds)
  • 1/4 cup sunflower seeds (I think for fall I’m going to try pumpkin seeds this week)
  • 1/4 cup unsweetened coconut flakes (unsweetened is key to keep these healthy!)
  • 1/2 cup honey
  • 1/3 cup creamy peanut butter
  • 2 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
  • 1/4 tsp salt

Instructions

  1. Preheat oven to 325. Mix together oats, nuts, seeds, and coconut flakes on a rimmed, ungreased pan and bake for about 10 minutes.
  2. Heat honey and peanut butter together in a medium saucepan over medium heat until smoothly combined. Remove from heat and stir in vanilla, cinnamon and salt.
  3. Add oat mix to the honey peanut butter mix.
  4. You can add chocolate chips but let the mixture cool first or they will melt.
  5. Turn down oven to 300.
  6. Line a 8 or 9 inch baking dish with parchment paper so that two sides of the paper overhang the ends. You want to be able to lift up the entire sheet once cooked and cooled with the edges.
  7. Scoop the batter into the prepared pan and press down with a spatula.
  8. Bake for 15-20 minutes. 20 minutes will make them crunchier, 15 more chewy. With the bars still on the pan use a knife to cut them into the desired size bars. Leave them alone afterwards until completely cooled. Once cooled lift up the entire thing with the parchment paper and place on a cutting board. Cut them again on your lines and pull them apart.
  9. These will store for up to 1 week at room temperature or 2 weeks in the fridge. They get extra crunchy when you put them in the fridge!

Rainy day apple picking with my boys

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Ever since we moved to New England this past April, I have been looking forward to doing all the fall things. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced a New England fall and have been so excited to introduce my boys to new traditions, ones that we didn’t have in Florida. In the entire 17 years of living in Florida, I think fall was what I missed most. And one of the traditions I’ve been most looking forward to establishing with my boys is apple picking! So, after a long week of being sick and quarantining, despite the iffy weather, my mom and I loaded them up and spent a lovely wet Sunday afternoon apple picking at Carlson Orchards.

carlson orchards

Oh, so many apples

The last time we visited Carlson Orchards was to go berry and peach picking and I quickly learned how huge this place was. So, this time, I was smart and remembered to bring the stroller as I anticipated doing a lot of walking to pick the various amounts of apples they had. Some of the apples were well known names I had heard of like the famous Honey Crisp along with well-known apple’s Macintosh, Golden Delicious, Cortland, Empire and Gala. But there were also a couple I had never heard of like Ida, and Northern Spy apples, wasn’t a huge fan of those. My boys had a great time tasting all the different varieties. My almost 2-year-old kept picking the fallen apples off the ground and putting them in our bag, lol. I did my best to keep an open mind about the different kinds of apples available, but I have to say, in my opinion none compare quite as much to the honey crisp. There’s a reason why they are so much more per pound in the store and the reason why they have the word “crisp” in its name. They were so good. They were the very last rows in the orchard, and they actually had a wagon being pulled by a tractor out to the sections that were a longer walk. We had to walk all the way to the end as they were pretty picked over, but if you’re patient and willing to walk a bit and look hard there are still plenty of honey crisp apples out there. They also had a ton of rows roped off that weren’t for picking yet, so I’m sure they’ll have plenty of apples for weeks to come.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away and brings the tooth fairy to visit!

We love apples in our house! My little guy goes around all day saying, “apple, apple”. He sounds so much like a broken record these days…toddler life. It’s the cutest little “apple” though and there could be worse foods that he could be asking for. I love that my boys love fruit. We had an unexpected tooth falling out while apple picking! My son lost his first front tooth a few weeks ago, and the second one has been loose since. It had been hanging on by a thread and he has been super picky about what he’s been eating for fear of it falling out. Don’t get me wrong, he has been excited about another visit from the tooth fairy (really amazes me how much she’s giving these days ;-), but he is not a fan of any blood, and he gets super anxious about it falling out. I was actually surprised he was eating so many apples while picking for that reason, as he hadn’t wanted to touch an apple in weeks. I think the excitement of apple picking made him forget all about his tooth hanging by a thread until…I heard a shriek in the orchard followed by, “Mom!!” I turned around and there he was freaking out because his tooth was literally dangling, not sure how the apple didn’t pull it all the way out. I gave it the smallest little tug and we went home with not only a big bag of apples, but also a tooth for the fairy.

We have a huge bag of apples that I’m looking forward to making an apple crisp with. My oldest has been taking an apple with him daily for his school snack, so at $30 a bag (yikes…) we are getting our money’s worth. I will say that with the number of apples we ate while picking we definitely got our $30 worth. I’m hoping to try one more orchard out for comparison before the season is over! Next time we’ll try to go on a beautiful fall day instead of a rainy one.

How to make super easy healthy protein waffles

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These waffles have been a go to of mine for years now. I love them, my boys love them, they are super healthy, super easy, and only involve 4 ingredients…all huge wins for this mom! I love to make a batch on a Sunday and have them for go to grab breakfasts for the week, perfect for school mornings. To reheat them I usually just pop them in the toaster for a minute and they taste like they did on day one coming off the waffle iron. My son goes back and forth between having maple syrup and whip cream on it for his topping. As you can see, he tends to go a little overboard when I give him the freedom to do it on his own ;-). Feel free to experiment with adding extras in, like cinnamon, or pumpkin pie spice seasoning etc. to give them a little extra flavor.

Protein waffles

Ingredients

  • 6 eggs
  • 2 cups cottage cheese
  • 2 cups oatmeal
  • Dash of salt
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract

Directions

  1. Throw all ingredients in a blender, or a bowl if you only have an immersion blender.
  2. Blend till smoothed.
  3. Use 1/2 cup batter per waffle. Throw on waffle iron and enjoy!

Blender hack

I used to have a Vitamix which was my all-time favorite kitchen tool. But my ex amongst other things destroyed it. I miss it so much. I haven’t wanted to spend the money on another blender yet, will probably get something relatively inexpensive like a Ninja. If you don’t have a blender but have an immersion blender you can also blend it in a bowl. It’s not quite as simple as throwing it all in a blender, but it works!

Enjoy 🙂

Figuring out a career after being a stay-at-home mom for many years

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As many of you know, I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for almost 8 years and have found myself in a position now at 39 needing to start completely over and build a new life for me and my two boys. The thought of going back to work after all this time, on top of everything else I have been dealing with, has been completely overwhelming. If I’m being completely honest, it’s terrifying and something I really don’t want to be forced to do. Not because I don’t want to work, I want more than anything to bring a steady income in and provide for my boys. For years I’ve been dependent on someone else financially that has treated me like a child. I can’t wait to be financially free from his grasp. But I LOVE being home with my babies. Raising my sons is extremely challenging, but I love being their person all day long. I love seeing them grow and help mold them into tiny, amazing humans. I fear all those moments I will be missing. I know so many moms are working moms, and I know that day will soon be mine, but change is scary. New beginnings, especially when it’s not what you had ever envisioned are not without a lot of doubt, fear, and anxiety. 

Give yourself grace

I turned down an opportunity this week for a short-term job, and I was really beating myself up about my decision. When this opportunity was presented to me and after not only interviewing for the first time in 10 years but also being offered the job, it seemed like a no brainer to say yes. I need the income desperately. The anxiety I have on a daily basis of starting over with no funds causes me great stress. So of course, I had to say yes to the first job opportunity I was offered. It’s called being a responsible parent, right? The day I accepted the job we all came down with covid and it hit us hard. First my 7-year-old was the sickest I’ve ever seen him and then on top of feeling like crap myself, my 22-month-old became very ill, so ill that I began to think something was seriously wrong with him. He became violent and distraught in pain and the thought of leaving him in a few days became extremely worrisome. I began having second doubts. 

It wasn’t until a highschool friend I’ve reconnected with had a heart to heart with me that I realized that I had to turn it down. She told me, “Now is your time to be selfish. You spent way too long making others happy. You are in charge of your life and all the paths have different pros and cons. It’s your time to thrive and show your boys what life is all about.” You see, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life chasing someone else’s dreams. I’ve spent the last 5 years making someone else, on top of the selflessness that comes with being a mom, my priority. When I graduated college, I was madly in love. I followed who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with across the country, because it was his dream, and I was wrapped up in the idea of finally finding what I thought was my forever person. The next 16 years became about him, his career, his timeline for our life, and eventually all the dreams I once had aside from being a mom slowly vanished. Which was ok, because being a Mom was my biggest dream of all, and bringing my two babies into the world was a very scary and difficult experience. Being with them made everything else feel right. With them was where I needed to be. But when he began to manipulate me and abuse me, I began to be left with the scary thought of what the hell will I do if I have to leave him. I suddenly began to question all the possible dreams I would have followed had I not met him so many years ago. 

I’m a firm believer that you can’t go back and question all the “what ifs” in life. Am I where I want to be in life right now? No, not one bit even close. Am I angry at all the time I wasted trying to help him get help? Yes. But do I entirely regret the last 18 years of my life? No. I got the two most amazing little boys out of that life. My boys are my whole heart and I’ve quickly realized that life gave me two little boys to challenge me with raising them into kindhearted men, men that know how to treat women right. I’ve grown so much over the past 18 years, the challenges I’ve overcome have made me into an incredibly strong mom. If I had chosen differently all those years ago, I wouldn’t be a mom to the most amazing boys I could have ever dreamed of. 

But after listening to my friend, I have been quickly reminded that now is my time to figure out what I want to do with my life. I don’t need to feel pressured by life into choosing a job that I know won’t bring me joy.  I’m smart, driven, determined, passionate, and I will have other opportunities. Opportunities that will bring me inspiration, opportunities that will make me want to work and will show my boys that mommy doesn’t settle. I’m allowed to give myself more time to figure it out, and I will figure it out in time. So, for now, I’m holding my youngest extra tight these days, and reminding myself that right now, cuddling him close, this is where I’m meant to be. 

hold your babies tight